News & Narrative is TransLash Media’s personal essay and journalism platform where you can find stories by transgender and gender non-conforming people that get to the heart of what what’s happening in our community⁠—and the world around us.

News & Narrative is TransLash Media’s personal essay and journalism platform where you can find stories by transgender and gender non-conforming people that get to the heart of what what’s happening in our community⁠—and the world around us.

Choosing Myself Over the Expectations of a Gendered Society

"I was trying so hard to embody my perception of womanhood that I forgot to be myself."

By Carla Yero

Even for a person who lives in the gender binary, gender expression can be a complicated battle between societal expectations and our actual interests. As tempting as it can be for binary transgender people to get caught up in what a man or woman “should” be, we must remember to be ourselves first and foremost.

I went to an all-boys Catholic high school. As you can imagine, masculinity was expected and enforced by almost all of the students. Teenage insecurity and a helping of religious homophobia forced a very strong line between masculine and feminine, between what was manly and what was not. It was in this environment that I began to have the first inklings of a feeling I would later discover to be gender dysphoria.

Obviously, being a boy in a Catholic school in 2013, I had no words for gender dysphoria. Trans people were just the punchlines of jokes in everything from Monty Python to “Futurama”. All I knew was that I “wasn’t like other boys.” 

To satisfy this feeling of “not like other boys,” I began to explore more feminine things. Romcoms, show tunes, Taylor Swift, Tumblr, and Orange Is The New Black all became my new obsessions. 

I used these to replace my masculine interests of action movies, Formula One racing, and Reddit. These were the things that Other Boys did so, therefore, I could not allow myself to enjoy them. Other Boys, and masculine things as a whole, were misogynistic, homophobic, violent, competitive, and aggressive. I did not want to be a part of the monolith of masculinity I created in my mind.

And in some ways, it worked. I found enjoyment in all these things. I still love many of the “feminine” things I branched out into. But it was not enough to be “not like other boys.” Something was still missing.

It itched the back of my mind through the rest of high school, into college, and through a relationship that lasted far too long, until I found myself reading stories of trans women who had gone through a transition and were simply living normal lives. I saw through this that transitioning was an option, and related to many of the feelings they described. After months of self-reflection, as well as trying on a dress or two, I could not deny my feelings anymore. 

So, I had a name for the itch. I found communities of people who had that itch. I had guides and resources and support groups to help show me how to soothe the itch. 

However,  transitioning for binary trans people comes with the baggage of being indoctrinated into a gendered society. That baggage seeped into the new resources and community I had found. I was told that to be seen as a woman, I needed to lean more into those feminine things. Exacerbating this was the feeling of there being a lot to catch up on. I couldn’t sing along to Breakaway or name the members of One Direction. I had never seen Twilight and never had my ears pierced at Claire’s. There was an ocean of experiences that were almost expected for cisgender women my age that I would never have. To account for this, I continued trying to “girl-ify” my interests, as well as catch up on these experiences if possible, but it became futile and unenjoyable. I was trying so hard to embody my perception of womanhood that I forgot to be myself. 

Then, within a few months, a couple of very significant things happened. One, I came out to my friends, all of whom were enthusiastically supportive of my transition. Two, March 2020.

Lockdown does funny things to your interests. Stuck in our houses, bored out of our minds, we all had to find things to do that we really enjoyed. I had been learning Krav Maga before the pandemic, and I found myself enthralled by UFC fighting, since I actually knew some of what they were doing and could appreciate it. I watched “Drive to Survive” and rediscovered my love for “Formula 1”. I could appreciate sports now without having to prove my masculinity as I had when I was young. Nor did I feel like I had to avoid it to prove that I was feminine. I could enjoy these hobbies on my own terms. 

A similar thing happened with music. For years I had been exclusively listening to pop and indie music—initially to separate myself from the taste of the men around me. As I began to transition, I listened to what seemed popular with women at the time. While I still listen to Ariana Grande, Taylor Swift, and Charli XCX, it always felt like something was missing. When I went through a truly awful breakup, I turned to the rock and emo music that had once helped me through some awful times. Through this, I fell down the musical rabbit hole into the metal music I now love.

All these things are considered “masculine” in our society, but these interests didn’t change how much I loved the effects hormones were having on my body, or being called by my chosen name and pronouns. I knew I was a woman, but I also realized I was more than the connotations of my gender. Plus, it helped that my friends continued to support me, regardless of whether I was wearing a dress and heels or a Red Bull Racing jacket. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to play Elden Ring while listening to Arch Enemy and then get into an argument on Reddit over whether Ferrari has a chance of winning in 2023 (they do not, because they are Ferrari)— and none of this will change the fact that I am a woman.

Carla faces the camera and smiles with her hand on her chin. She has fair skin, red hair, and wears a red shirt.

Carla Yero (she/her) is a mechanical engineer, writer, and gym rat in Portland, Oregon.

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TransLash tells trans stories to save trans lives. As a trusted source for journalists, thought-leaders, movement activists, researchers, and those wanting to know about trans people, we produce narratives about and for the trans community—accurately and reliably. At a time when disinformation about trans people is being used to undermine democracy and human rights, TransLash Media serves as a beacon of hope through the voices that we share with the world.

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TransLash tells trans stories to save trans lives. As a trusted source for journalists, thought-leaders, movement activists, researchers, and those wanting to know about trans people, we produce narratives about and for the trans community—accurately and reliably. At a time when disinformation about trans people is being used to undermine democracy and human rights, TransLash Media serves as a beacon of hope through the voices that we share with the world.

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