I Didn't Think I'd Make It

I felt like there was something taking over my being without my consent. Feeling like I don’t have autonomy over my own flesh and blood, and if I did nothing just from sheer overwhelming, like not being able to do anything else, whether that was because of a resource, because of an insurance thing, because of a support system thing, I don’t think I would have made it.

Hi, I’m Stephanie and Midwood, the question is my preferred names I use, they them pronouns. I grew up in a tiny town called Columbia, Connecticut. My mother’s house is in Columbia and my father’s house is in Willimantic. I moved down to crucis in February of 2015 for the job, for the job, at the library as the young adult department librarian.

I definitely would tell people, Don’t call me miss, don’t call me ma’am. When I started asking for my preferred name in my preferred pronouns. I had somebody pass me a note that said there are only two genders. That person got sensitivity training. I got canned.

Three, seven, 10, the person that I was with at the time. I mean, we had been together long enough to know that like we probably weren’t going to stay together. An accident happened and I knew right away something was wrong. And I am. I mean, what do you do? I was in between paychecks and all that. All of the pregnancy tests that I was getting at CVS kept coming up like inconclusive because it was so early. I knew without knowing. I just knew it was not something my body was supposed to do, and I knew it was something that mentally I was not going to do.

I didn’t sleep. I was not eating well, and it was more just like a slowly building panic attack if I wasn’t actively doing something to advance solving my problem. I was just sitting there like shaking. I’m not a stranger to like suicidal ideation. I’m not a stranger to like this. The really dark thoughts that come, you know, in the middle of the night when there isn’t anyone on the phone. The problem was finding an actual abortion provider in this region is there is nobody in southern or southwestern New Mexico. Albuquerque is 250 miles every step of the way. Everyone was like so invasive.

So I think as a trans person too, it starts to feel really just work because pregnancy, that’s, you know, it’s obviously seen as a very female problem. There was a gate like closer to the building, and they check you for everything. Make sure you are who you say. You are not knowing that this whole process is going to be so policed. Milton Militante went over all of the medications take one in hospital in care, like in front of everybody, and then the second one you take when you’re home ready to, like, be by yourself. Once I had that experience, that was when I realized I had more agency. I could start asking for what I did want from a physician. I’d been seeking a hysterectomy since I was about 15 or 16, so we actually ended up being able to use that slick experience with some of these doctors to say, like, no, really like this is not going to happen for me, and this is what I’m willing to do if this ever happens again.

We’re already challenged on what we believe about our bodies. We’re already. Asked to prove our transness or or be trans enough, but not too much, we should be trusted to know what we do and don’t want in our bodies, or be like to be trusted to know when we’ve made a mistake.

Hostess strikes me like I have my entire I have. I can now dream and so my home is in my breath.

My home is in my heart. Remembering this something else is holding you besides your own life. Sheer force of will.